I'm updating....

Well Ms. London Michaela Shaw is 2.5 years old now. What can I say she is a whole handful and a half. It's the smallest things that make me appreciate her. I have no doubt that she was sent to me on purpose. Her father isn't much to speak on but he gave me the best of him. She's an angel. She was sent to me to save me from myself. I have been in situations where I would have fallen but the only thing that saved me was thinking about my daughter. She has saved my life she has made life have a reason and a meaning like no other. Her entrance into this world gave me exactly what I began to miss. My grandfathers passed away less than a year before London was born. That left me with only one grandparent.

I would love for my grandparents to have been around to meet her. She would have been even more spoiled rotten and I could just imagine my grandparents and my dad fighting for her to spend time with them. This year will mark ten years that my grandmother has been gone it's been on my mind all year long. On that actual day I probably won't be worth much. Just the thought has my eyes watering. I miss my grandparents so much. More than what I can express. They were my angels here on earth and I see that they were upstairs co-conspiring and they knew that my quality of life was taking a turn for the worst and I needed something to bring it back to normalicy. That is just what London has done. She's made me slow down some and realize that there is more to life than just running in these streets and having a good time. I've seen real pure happiness and that has been just in simple things like watching her sleep.

She's so much of my life and she saved it.

I'm tired of being sick and tired!

Well I think tonight was the absolute last straw for those folks who belong to the family of the man that I decided to procreate with. Well that goose decided to have me procreate with. I love the heck out of my daughter however I could care less for her father. Unbeknowst to her I could care less for her father and if there was the chance that I could have had her here in like a few more years when I was a little better prepared for her I would have screwed him just one more time to get her. I would have just like postponed her for a little bit. I think my good nerves would have been a little more mature to deal with the crap that kidd and his family (read his momma) are full of. Who the hell in this day in age is still a deadbeat ass daddy? I mean and whose momma doesn't calls themselves MOMMA when they let you continue to be said deadbeat. There's a lotta stuff that as a momma I can tell you I will keep my nose out of but at some point I am gonna be for real putting my foot down and ducking your responsibility will have you eating sunday dinner at some other table as a grown up. I'm not saying I'm gonna be another E.DUB telling you what I think and stuffing it down your throat on ridiculous stuff but I'm just like this think about what you are doing if you wanna screw up your life be my guest but someone else's oh hell no you better COWBOY THE HELL UP!

Single Momma

You know there is such a thing as a single momma with assistance from the father of her child(rens) father(s). But then there is this case of a single momma who gets no assistance at all. Well I was exactly that for a whole year and six days and then child support finally kicked in. Having it is wonderful and I do have to say that my family has made the tasks so much easier. But in the end I do have to say that I actually have had a hard time. Its not just being both mom and dad that has been difficult or the getting every diaper changed and making every midnight and three a.m. feeding but it was mostly the loneliness. I think it was the middle of the night when it was just me and her and not even having the option to look over at someone who'd slept straight through the piercing cries of a baby. I know that some folks say that even with having their husband or boyfriend or father of their child be there is more of a burden but let me shed some light. It is not, there is nothing like being completely and totally alone. Having the only two other people in your home being your beautiful bundle and your dog. You can only talk on the phone with so many friends for so long and then come the hours of the night when you realize that your friends are at home all snuggled and that is when it starts to really bite. Then when you go through the motions with someone and almost make it work and all you can see is how perfectly your lives would mesh and how neither of you would have to have these feelings ever again. Then reality hits and your feet are back on the surface of this planet called earth and you realize that yes it was much to good to be true. But then you can actually feel your broken heart inside your chest bursting to really get out but unfortunately your breasts are still way to big from breast feeding for it to ever get out. I thought that it was a real chance at some sort of other happiness. My daughter makes me happy in ways that are unexplainable, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my 26 years and counting. I in a way do not ever want to ever have to share my love for her with someon else. That is about when I realize that they are two totally different kinds of love. There is the love that I have for my daughter and then there is the love that I have for this man. I love him so much and I have no idea why. I mean I told myself that I was not about to go and fall in love but I just couldn't help it, I did. I did it with the absolute best of me, I tried and gave all of me and in the end I still end up holding my own heart in my hands. I gave everything this one time because usually I try to not to give all of me and I try not to get so enclosed and so exclusive so that in the event that I get hurt I have nothing to worry about and I can just pick up all of my pieces and go home. But this time I was thinking that maybe that was my problem, maybe if I would let go of all my preconcieved notions about what I was supposed to do and I just let go and stopped trying to control fate jsut maybe something would actually work and fall into my lap. Then I look back on it now and I have to say that I do not really regret it I am so happy that I was in that crazy beautiful thing and that yes I did lose this one and that it will take a long time to get over but somewhere there has to be relief there has to be happiness that will resonate into every area of my life. It is so interesting to have so much happiness in one area of life and so much heartbreak and uncertainty in another. Its almost like having one leg that is the perfect length and the other is just a little to short and someone took your big shoe. You walk with a limp and all you think all day when you are walking is that if only you could get that leg back to the right length. Yes of course you could learn to walk with it and you will but there is something that is just not right. Not a single morning comes that you don't wake up and swing your legs over the side of the bed and think that maybe just maybe today will be the day that you have your dignified walk back, and then just like a little kid anticipating christmas morning you throw back the covers and you swing your legs and you stand up. Then you take the first step and you realize that you are just as crippled and broken as you were the day before. You push yourself through your day and by the end of it which is usually in the wee hours of the morning you get sleepy and say a prayer that by morning your leg will be fixed. That it will have some sort of normalcy. You have made it months and years with this problem and you have learned to live with it however there is nothing like when you were complete and you had that walk. That walk that matched the rest of you and lead you to have a smile and a confidence that announced to the nation, to the world, to the universe that you were totally and 100% complete. That only comes once in a lifetime and when you find it you better ride like you have never rode before. Through the good times and the bad and the hard times and the arguements disagreements and the everything else. You don't even care because you wake up every morning and throw back the covers probably on to him and you swing your legs to the side of the bed and you sit there and you look at your beautiful little girl and his beautiful little girl and you realize that it is not time to get up yet and you snuggle back under the covers with your family. That's what its all about! That is the magic dust that love is made of. That is the promise that it makes when it is real and pure and innocent as it was meant to be. That's how I dream it to be in my crazy beautiful messed up perfect for me life. One day it will come I just hope that I am young enough to enjoy it and that with each passing day I am able to fall more and more in love not only with Mr. Right but with the family that we have and the one that we come to know and be parts of.

Lisa and London!

We've almost been together a year. Yep me and my babygirl have survived. We are getting to know each really well. She is such a little character. There are so many things that she does that take my breath away and make me wonder how did she ever come up with that idea in that little head. Her father and I are still in court and I have to say that it's really his loss. She brightens the days of all the paths she crosses. She is 11 months old and she is walking away from me constantly. She has four teeth which look really funny because she has her eye teeth only at the top. I wake each morning prepared for the awesome day ahead with her. Sometimes I think its all a little overwhelming and want to go to work somewhere that pays better and lets me provide better for us. However I turn on the TV and see what happens in daycare centers and I realize that if I can just make it a little longer barely making ends meet in the long run it will pay off.