Single Momma

You know there is such a thing as a single momma with assistance from the father of her child(rens) father(s). But then there is this case of a single momma who gets no assistance at all. Well I was exactly that for a whole year and six days and then child support finally kicked in. Having it is wonderful and I do have to say that my family has made the tasks so much easier. But in the end I do have to say that I actually have had a hard time. Its not just being both mom and dad that has been difficult or the getting every diaper changed and making every midnight and three a.m. feeding but it was mostly the loneliness. I think it was the middle of the night when it was just me and her and not even having the option to look over at someone who'd slept straight through the piercing cries of a baby. I know that some folks say that even with having their husband or boyfriend or father of their child be there is more of a burden but let me shed some light. It is not, there is nothing like being completely and totally alone. Having the only two other people in your home being your beautiful bundle and your dog. You can only talk on the phone with so many friends for so long and then come the hours of the night when you realize that your friends are at home all snuggled and that is when it starts to really bite. Then when you go through the motions with someone and almost make it work and all you can see is how perfectly your lives would mesh and how neither of you would have to have these feelings ever again. Then reality hits and your feet are back on the surface of this planet called earth and you realize that yes it was much to good to be true. But then you can actually feel your broken heart inside your chest bursting to really get out but unfortunately your breasts are still way to big from breast feeding for it to ever get out. I thought that it was a real chance at some sort of other happiness. My daughter makes me happy in ways that are unexplainable, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my 26 years and counting. I in a way do not ever want to ever have to share my love for her with someon else. That is about when I realize that they are two totally different kinds of love. There is the love that I have for my daughter and then there is the love that I have for this man. I love him so much and I have no idea why. I mean I told myself that I was not about to go and fall in love but I just couldn't help it, I did. I did it with the absolute best of me, I tried and gave all of me and in the end I still end up holding my own heart in my hands. I gave everything this one time because usually I try to not to give all of me and I try not to get so enclosed and so exclusive so that in the event that I get hurt I have nothing to worry about and I can just pick up all of my pieces and go home. But this time I was thinking that maybe that was my problem, maybe if I would let go of all my preconcieved notions about what I was supposed to do and I just let go and stopped trying to control fate jsut maybe something would actually work and fall into my lap. Then I look back on it now and I have to say that I do not really regret it I am so happy that I was in that crazy beautiful thing and that yes I did lose this one and that it will take a long time to get over but somewhere there has to be relief there has to be happiness that will resonate into every area of my life. It is so interesting to have so much happiness in one area of life and so much heartbreak and uncertainty in another. Its almost like having one leg that is the perfect length and the other is just a little to short and someone took your big shoe. You walk with a limp and all you think all day when you are walking is that if only you could get that leg back to the right length. Yes of course you could learn to walk with it and you will but there is something that is just not right. Not a single morning comes that you don't wake up and swing your legs over the side of the bed and think that maybe just maybe today will be the day that you have your dignified walk back, and then just like a little kid anticipating christmas morning you throw back the covers and you swing your legs and you stand up. Then you take the first step and you realize that you are just as crippled and broken as you were the day before. You push yourself through your day and by the end of it which is usually in the wee hours of the morning you get sleepy and say a prayer that by morning your leg will be fixed. That it will have some sort of normalcy. You have made it months and years with this problem and you have learned to live with it however there is nothing like when you were complete and you had that walk. That walk that matched the rest of you and lead you to have a smile and a confidence that announced to the nation, to the world, to the universe that you were totally and 100% complete. That only comes once in a lifetime and when you find it you better ride like you have never rode before. Through the good times and the bad and the hard times and the arguements disagreements and the everything else. You don't even care because you wake up every morning and throw back the covers probably on to him and you swing your legs to the side of the bed and you sit there and you look at your beautiful little girl and his beautiful little girl and you realize that it is not time to get up yet and you snuggle back under the covers with your family. That's what its all about! That is the magic dust that love is made of. That is the promise that it makes when it is real and pure and innocent as it was meant to be. That's how I dream it to be in my crazy beautiful messed up perfect for me life. One day it will come I just hope that I am young enough to enjoy it and that with each passing day I am able to fall more and more in love not only with Mr. Right but with the family that we have and the one that we come to know and be parts of.